Skip to main content
2:35 am
>> stephen: tonight, i await the fec's decision on my pac. change is coming -- and hopefully a lot of large bills too. [laughter] then, a survey names america's least active city. it's a big announcement, so put on your formal sweatpants. [laughter] and my guest, gary sinise is here to talk about entertaining the troops. luckily, this is their favorite show. [laughter] every time god closes a door, he opens a window. clearly, he's not the one paying for air conditioning. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing]
2:36 am
[cheers and applause] thank you very much. [cheers and applause] [crowd channeling stephen] --] crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. please sit down. [cheers and applause] i know you are excited. the holidays are coming up. folks, monday is july fourth, named for our four fathers: george. benjamin, thomas, and ringo. [laughter]
2:37 am
i always check my calendar to find out what day it falls on, and this year, it's on july 4th. wow, feels like it's getting earlier and earlier every year. there are so many great traditions. of course, every year, i take the kids out and we cut down an american flagpole. take it home, put it up, and decorate it with flags. [laughter] not everyone loves america like i do. i'm sad to say. so unfortunately it's time once again for 4th of july under attack! [cheers and applause] little known factoid: they're called roman candles because jesus stole them from pontius pilate. [laughter] no surprise, our patriotic traditions are under attack from the usual lefty pinko nanny state: texas. [laughter] for more we go to ktrk, houston's news leader.
2:38 am
>> tomball is the latest on a growing list of cities and organizations canceling fourth of july fireworks shows because of fear of starting a fire. >> with the drought condition and the weather what it is right now, it's just dangerous. >> stephen: that's right: they're canceling fire'works because it might lead to fire. [laughter] that's like canceling a carnival because it might lead to being abducted by carnies. [laughter] that's part of the thrill. and it's not just public firework shows that are being canceled. 150 texas counties have banned fireworks altogether, and anyone caught buying or selling them will face a $500 fine. how dare you, texas? i never thought i'd say this, but i'm thinking i'm about to mess with you. [laughter] this is an attack on the kind of small businesses that make this country great: shabby cash-only roadside shacks that sell chinese explosives to drunk people.
2:39 am
[laughter] and what will this do to our nation's prosthetic hand industries? [laughter] now they'll be completely dependent on weedwhacker accidents and people fishing shrimp forks out of the garbage disposal. [laughter] plus, they're robbing our kids of classic childhood experiences. when i was growing up in south carolina, i had so much fun blowing up mailboxes, strapping grasshoppers to bottle rockets to simulate the apollo mission, [laughter] and playing games of "guess the fuse length." [laughter] and what's the fourth without all the great fireworks, like the punisher, the de-thumbinator and the eardrum sodomizer? well, fear not firework-loving texans. this ban doesn't spell the end of your fourth of july celebration. there's one firework that will never be too dangerous for texas. this kind.
2:40 am
[laughter] [cheers and applause] folks you can pick one of these up anywhere in texas: walmart, vending machines, that arcade claw game. [laughter] so follow my lead, texas. and if anyone objects, you tell them, "you can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, handless hands." [laughter] nation, i'll just keep this down here. nation, the 2012 election is going to be historic. years from now, americans will look back and say, "aiya! ji-sheh ji-yo lee-sheh ee-ee duh. shen-zay huey-chu kuahng-kung, foo-ching suo-yo zai-wu." [laughter] and folks, it's all the more historic because of the supreme court's
2:41 am
citizens united ruling, which allowed the creation of super pacs, political action committees that can take unlimited corporate and union cash to create political ads. months ago i announced my plans to set up colbert super pac. our motto: making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. [laughter] in fact, when you google the phrase super pac, i'm the first five results. [cheers and applause] that breaks my previous record of the first four results from googling the phrase "pear-shaped pundit." [laughter] since i brought them to the nation's attention in april, 17 new super pacs have been created, including "turn right usa." who have released some great ads. including one that makes some salient points about congressional candidate janice hahn. >> in an insane effort to reduce gang violence, janice hahn hired
2:42 am
hardcore gang members with taxpayer money to be gang intervention specialists. she even helped them get out of jail so they could rape and kill again. ♪ >> give me your cash, bitch, so we can shoot up the street. give me your cash, bitch, so we can buy some more heat. give me your cash, ho, so we can get out the-- give me your cash, ho, cos we uh! >> stephen: i know that ad may seem racist, but if you look past the racism, there's also a real message of misogyny. [laughter] but to the weak minded, that ad is very effective. for instance, they got me to play it on national tv. [laughter] this is why i want my own pac, to make ads like this only less responsible. [laughter] and folks, i may get what i want. because tomorrow at 10 a.m the federal election commission will rule on whether or not i
2:43 am
can haz super pac. [cheers and applause] [laughter] yep! [cheers and applause] it's all in the hands of the fec. jimmy, can we see the commissioners? no, jimmy, i didn't say abercrombie and fitch models, i said the fec. [laughter] oh, that's them? damn they're good-looking. my subcommittee just filled the entire chamber. [laughter] tomorrow, i'll be at fec headquarters -- 999 e street north west -- to answer their questions. after the hearing, let's say, eleven-ish, i will meet you all in front of the building to announce the results and chart a new course for the colbert nation. be there. and this is not just about the cash. i will also accept credit cards.
2:44 am
[laughter] here to prep me for my historic testimony is former chair of the fec and my personal lawyer, trevor potter. trevor, thank you so much for coming on. good toll see you, my friend. [cheers and applause] should i bring this with me tomorrow? >> very bad idea. >> stephen: very bad idea. okay. first of all, i could not be more excited to go down and testify before the fec. they love it in washington when i testify. [laughter] it's a very welcoming town that way. >> i've heard that. >> stephen: what can i expect tomorrow? how is it going to go down? >> it's a hearing room with a horseshoe shaped table. that's where they are. >> stephen: okay, yeah. >> you are down below where you should be. >> stephen: i understand. >> the staff will introduce the draft advisory opinions and they will discuss them amongst themselves and they may have
2:45 am
questions for you. they may not in which case you just sit there. they may want to ask you questions about how you are going to run your pac, if you have plans for the future of pac, that sort of thing. >> stephen: i don't know any of that until i have a pac right? >> right. >> stephen: why know give me a pac and we'll find out. trev, how much excitement is there down there about my appearance before the committee? >> well, this is an unusual situation. i'm told that there will are people sleeping on the street in front of the building tonight and i don't think that has happened before at the commission. >> stephen: so really people have not camped out ahead of time to hear decisions about the fec before. >> amazingly this important government agency works with usually about two people in the audience not paying attention to what they are doing. [laughter] >> stephen: well, they should thank me. [laughter] are we charging them anything
2:46 am
for this? a get a lot for personal appearances. [laughter] tomorrow, will we find out what the ruling is? >> you will. this is an open government process. >> stephen: as government always is. [laughter] nonch closed hearing room. no cigars. they'll sit there in public. they'll have their discussion, vote and raise their hands. >> stephen: right in front of me. >> yes. >> stephen: if any of them hesitate to vote for me, can i do this? [laughter] >> i'm not sure it would help your cause. >> stephen: okay. but we will get an answer tomorrow? >> yes, one way or the other they say yes or no. >> actually no. it's not that simple either. they could split 3-3 have a tie vote. >> stephen: and then i have to fight one of them? sudden death overtime snl what happens then? >> it's more discreet. they'll send you a letter that says we agreed on answers 1, 2, 3. we were unable to reach a
2:47 am
conclusion on answer 4 by a tie vote so we can't tell you. >> stephen: they might say we don't have an answer for you at this time? >> that is a possible outcome. >> stephen: can i take that as a yes and do whatever i want. if mom doesn't tell me i can't have a cookie, i'm eating the whole jar. >> the law says without permission you can't be protected from some sort of fec investigation or prosecution. >> stephen: is there any chance that i could get in trouble tomorrow? i'm asking, did the fec -- can they give me the death penalty? [laughter] >> no. they only have civil authority. that's the good news. >> stephen: they can't clap me in jail for anything i do tomorrow? >> they can't. >> stephen: then we're going to have fun. trevor potter we'll see you tomorrow at the fec. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
2:48 am
2:49 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you everybody, we will come back, folks. i just want to remind everybody that on friday july first at 8:00 pm, you can see me live at the gaillard municipal auditorium in charleston, south carolina ,to benefit the medical university of south carolina's
2:50 am
james w. colbert endowed chair. they provide the chair; i provide the endowed. [laughter] i'll be interviewed by msnbc's jonathan alter and taking your questions. and i'll be spewing such juicy secrets, the first three rows will be provided ponchos. see you there. folks, i love my home town because we know that small town america is the real america. that's where you can still find good morals, a strong work ethic, and primo meth. [laughter] i mean, the high speed chicken feed. so it's time for my latest hometown herotown. this week's hometown hero-town lexington, kentucky! where folks know that there are some things in life worth standing up for. they'd just rather sit down for them. jim? >> sit down and listen to this one, lexington, kentucky, is the most sedentary city in the u.s. a study by "men's health"
2:51 am
magazine found it's the most inactive place in the u.s. indianapolis and jackson round out the top three. >> stephen: sorry, indianapolis and jackson. if you want to beat lexington, you're gonna have to wake up pretty late in the morning. [laughter] the survey was conducted by "men's health" magazine. my go-to source for vaguely homoerotic fitness photography and the hottest protein powder recommendations months before they're recalled. [laughter] lexington beat out 100 other american cities based on data regarding how much they exercise, how many hours of tv they watch a week, and how many video games a year they buy. some of the popular video game titles included: "wii hammock" and "call of duty: let it go to voicemail." [laughter] so lexington, in recognition of your non-achievement, i am
2:52 am
presenting you with this year's golden reacher-grabber. put in on your mantle proudly. i know what you're thinking -- that mantle you want to put it on is high and unreasonably far from the couch which is why the golden reacher grabber comes with a second reacher grabber. [laughter] you pick that up there. there you go. so congratulations lexington, kentucky. be sure to show this award to some friends you haven't seen in a while. your feet. [laughter] we'll be right back.
2:53 am
2:54 am
2:55 am
2:56 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is here to talk about his new project for the troops. good, i'm glad somebody has a plan for them. please welcome gary sinise! [cheers and applause] hey -- [cheers and applause] thanks for coming. thank you so much. gary, good to see you.
2:57 am
sit down, buddy. [laughter] i'm a fan. i'm a fan. you know, you are a big deal, man! you are a big star. and you are an emmy winner, right? >> yes. >> stephen: me, too. >> i got one of those over there, too see my emmy, got a flack jacket on. >> got it nicely display there'd. >> stephen: have you ever won a peabody? >> no. >> stephen: i got one over there. just wanted to put that out there. >> what is that? >> stephen: what is that right there? an hourglass. the grim reaper gave it to me. [laughter] sir, everybody knows that you are an adad my award winning actor begun director producer. apollo 13, forest gump, of mice and men. steppenwolf in chicago. you've got a new project called the lieutenant dan band for the
2:58 am
common good. you have a band named after your character in forest gump. you've been all over the world performing for our troops in uso shows which i admire. [cheers and applause] i think more people -- [cheers and applause] i think more entertainers should go out there and do that. >> i do, too. i think so. i have a great time doing it. there's nothing better than to get out in and support the men and women serving the country. they've worked very hard. they've been very stressed. we've got ten years of war now has taken its toll on a lot of people. i go out there and try to play for them and do what i can. a buddy of mine came to me a while ago, filmmaker and asked me if he could document what i've been doing. there's a lot of wonderful things in the film he was able to capture. he has put a great film together i'm proud to be a part of it. >> stephen: i have only one problem with you, okay. [laughter] it's that i went over and did
2:59 am
shows in iraq. two years ago. and i have been over to iraq once. you've been to iraq four times and afghanistan twice. and you make me feel like a pussy. [laughter] -- because i haven't been back over. is that -- don't you think more entertainers should go over there? what they don't understand is the amount of gratitude those people give you for going over there. it's absolutely beautiful. it's one of the most amazing experiences i've ever had performing for those people. >> it's great you did that. i remember when you did that. >> stephen: i've been waiting the entertain interview for you to say it was a great thing to do. i can't believe hi to fish that long. >> hr *t band dan, not everybody can do a uso show.
3:00 am
what can people back here do to support the troops other than enlist and take their place? [laughter] that would be nice, right. >> some people would like that, yeah in the service. but they are working hard there. there's a lot of things you can do. i visit the hospitals all the time. i send care packages. there's all kinds of organizations putting care pack kwrapblgz together. i have a program called operation international children. we put supplies together. we give them to the troops. we take them out and give them to the kids. there's a lot of ways you can do that on loin. i have a foundation. we're supporting a lot of different organizations. you can go tom gary sin kwraoes you can go to lt dan band and watch it online between july 4 and 30th. you can watch it online and one out of every four dollars will go to the gary sin kwraoes
3:01 am
foundation. we -- sin ise foundation. >> last question, when you were in iraq, how cold was the trailer? that you were? because the coldest winter i ever spent was summer in baghdad. because they kept the trailer that we were working in i swear 47 degrees. it was 125 degrees outside in a sandstorm and i felt like it was almost like rubbing it in the iraqis face that, you know, this may be baghdad here but it's minnesota up in this business. [laughter] gary, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] gary sinese, "lieutenent dan band" launches online this monday, july 4th. at ltdanban d.o.d.
3:02 am
3:03 am
>> stephen: that's it for the
3:04 am
report, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> tosh.o features videos from the internet and is for a mature audience. enjoy. >> hey, 40 seconds? >> 45 now. [beep] [ applause ] >> oh, rock beats -- what's beats that? chris

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central July 6, 2011 2:35am-3:05am PDT

News/Business. Stephen Colbert and guests discuss current issues. (CC)

Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:30:00
Rating PG-13
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Port 5678
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec mp2
Pixel width 720
Pixel height 480
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color
disc Borrow a DVD of this show
info Stream Only
Uploaded by
TV Archive
on 7/6/2011